Don’t Drop the Ball

So the War on Healthcare has just escalated. For those of you who don’t watch television and aren’t on Facebook, Arizona Democratic Representative Gabrielle Giffords was shot (along with others in the crowd) by a wingnut who decided to go full Travis Bickel. As with any major event, the media is already drooling over this story with all the gusto of a frat boy at his first strip bar. The shooter, a Jared Lee Loughner, is currently in police custody – and thanks to the fastidiousness of the Huffington Post, we now know what his archived MySpace page looks like without the animated gifs and tracks from Tool playing in the background.  I can already see the pundits on both political sides sharpening their fangs about this one. MSNBC is going to point out that “Mein Kampf” was on the nutjob’s list of favorite reads, Fox News is going to say the mere fact the shooter is literate is suspicious on its own. Personally, I think the book list proves that Loughner suffered from the delusion that Poetry & Classics majors get laid. (Side note: why do folks like Bill O’Reilly and Glenn Beck bother to write books? It’s not like their audience can read.) Suppositions about Loughner’s mental state are already being made. I think anyone who lives in Arizona is borderline insane, anyway – it’s like America’s own South Africa down there, only they haven’t elected de Klerk yet. Plus their football team sucks. (Oh yeah, I went there.)

But my message here is for the Dems. Pay close attention.

The kid gloves need to fucking come off.

This isn’t like when you guys got ignored in the Bush administration. This isn’t like when the public mercy-voted you into a “super-majority” (whatever that means) because they felt sorry for you. This isn’t like all those times you tried reaching across the aisle only to have the Republicans act like a twisted 5-year old who thinks that stoning your puppy to death and then urinating on its body is somehow funny.

You are getting killed out there, literally. This isn’t something that can be just negotiated away.

Giffords’ shooting, while tragic, is an opportunity, don’t drop the ball on this.

Here’s what you need to do:

1. Tell Eric Cantor and every other Republican who opposes health care reform to shut the fuck up. If they won’t, tell them that if Loughner had access to proper health care, his obvious mental issues could have been addressed, and a family in Arizona wouldn’t be burying their 9-year old daughter. Fuck compromise: you can’t negotiate with a Republican senator any more than a female intern can talk him out of trying anal on her. And if they whine about being ignored, just say that listening to the GOP just seems to encourage terrorism on our own soil.
2. Now is also the time to plow every single bit of legislature you have on gun control through the Senate like a runningback from Seattle. (That’s two NFL references!) If anyone objects, first compliment them on their bravery, and then question their sanity. (“I commend your willingness to face danger, Senator, but I don’t see how your constituents will benefit from seeing you assassinated with a legally purchased weapon.”) Again, the Republicans can eat a flaming bag of shit on this one, or I guess they really like terrorists when they’re white.
3. It’s time you guys realized that the Tea Party isn’t just a bunch of ultra-conservative asshats with poorly spelled protest signs, and are more like al-Qaeda with a greater affinity for Pabst Blue Ribbon. The more you guys shout that the Teabaggers are terrorists, the more people will listen. The first step in this is to take Sarah “thinking isn’t as important as money” Palin to task for every fucking thing she has said; her “did I say that?” defense is starting to look a little thin nowadays.
4. I know things are still chancy for you, Rep. Giffords, but if you survive this ordeal with your faculties intact, please stay in office and take charge of #1-3. If there’s one thing Star Wars has taught me, all it takes is a horrifyingly disfiguring incident to transform a wussy twit that watched too much Dawson’s Creek into the type of person who can choke people to death with their mind while giving them cancer of the balls. Whenever conservatives disagree with you, just turn your (probably) disturbingly scarred countenance toward them and stare at them dead-eyed. That alone should make them want to schedule an oncology appointment to get that lump on their vas deferens looked at. Now is not the time for hand-wringing and whinging, Padawan: slaying of Republican legislative younglings is what’s called for.

This event is like a sword dropped from heaven for you, Democrats. A gigantic, flaming sword you can use to strike down all who oppose you and leave their families striven. Please, oh please, don’t drop the ball on this like the Saints did with their playoff chances. (NFL Trifecta COMPLETE!)

http://www.nfl.com/teams/schedule?team=ARI