Slavery Requires Less Paperwork

This is probably going to come as no surprise to anyone reading my blog, but I’m unemployed at the moment. And while the free time has been a great way to level up on Farmville, I have been hitting the bricks (in an online sense) and applying for work on a daily basis. Now, I know that the economy sucks – especially for Oregon, where we rank #2 in unemployment, (that’s right, the Beaver State is the first loser in a poverty-based competition) but I hate looking for work, it’s like trying to find a date by asking every woman who comes up to you – most of the time you’re ignored, but every now and then one will take time to pull your pants down and mock your genitals. If I listed every single thing about job hunting I disliked, though, we’d be here until I started drawing Social Security. So instead, I’m listing the top four things that piss me off while trolling for work.

Pre-Employment Credit Checks:

“You’re going to base my eligibility for a job on my credit rating? Well, so much for working for your company – Skeezix the Friendly Meth Addict stole my identity and left me accountable for a fleet of impounded vehicles and more debt than the gross national product of Surinam. I’m so glad you have this hiring practice in place, there are so many people out there who aren’t poor enough.”

Really, the only reason why you peek into someone’s credit history is to make sure you aren’t accidentally showing them legal means to get them out of debt. What’s also interesting of note is most companies that use credit checks have high turnover rates – meaning that you’re probably going to be treated about as well as a migrant worker at a berry picking farm.

And before any of you corporate asshats tell me “Well, it’s company policy,” – that kind of bullshit didn’t work for the Auschwitz administrators and it sure as shit doesn’t fly today.

Personality Tests:

“So not only do I have to prove to you that I have no outstanding debt, but I also have to see if we’re emotionally compatible? Screw the test, why don’t I just email you a photo of my penis – if it works for online dating, it’ll work here.”

So Company X wants to make sure you have the right “attitude” for this job? First of all, you can BS your way through a quiz like this: just imagine yourself as a subservient toady with skid mark going down your tongue and fill in the appropriate answers. Second: it’s perfectly obvious that the REAL reason these personality tests exist is to provide upper management with a pool of people they can wheedle free blowjobs out of that won’t sue.

Flexible Hours:

Sounds great out of context, doesn’t it? Makes it seem like you can work any schedule you want and that the management is easy-going, right?

Bullshit.

“Flexible hours” (along with “flexible schedule”) is employer-ese for “We’d keep you chained to the desk and living in your own shit if it weren’t for those pesky employment laws.” The slaves that built the pyramids had a better work week than the one you’re going to be getting. Oh yeah, and employers like this tend to take federally-mandated things like overtime and medical leave about as seriously as Republican at the Vagina Monologues.

“Overqualified”:

For a brief time I was trying to get employed at some of the local retail outlets – anything for a buck, right? But on the few occasions I did get contacted by someone with hiring authority, they always said something like this: “You have an excellent work history, but we feel that you’re overqualified for this position and that there are better opportunities for you elsewhere.”

As Abraham said unto the Lord: “What the fuck?”

Or, as my friend put it, “Does that mean I can call my landlord and tell him I’m too qualified to pay rent?”

“Overqualified” seems to be a shortcut for “According to your application, you’ve worked for a while and seem to be intelligent enough to call the authorities when we try raping you in the walk-in. Sorry, but we prefer high-school dropouts that huff paint fumes.” I can understand if it’s a job that required a significant amount of investiture to hire, train, and equip me properly – but it’s flipping burgers, not angioplasty – there’s not that much that goes into preparing the employee. Of course I’m overqualified for a minimum-wage job – a three-toed sloth would make a more efficient worker than the ones I’ve encountered at my local mall.

The next job listing I see on Craigslist that requires a credit check, personality quiz, and/or advertizes “flexible hours” – I’m going to mail them a video of me smearing feces on their corporate logo. That and an MBA is good for a management position, right?